(no subject)

[fengkuang]

[ the thing about violence is that once you dip your toes in the water, it is virtually impossible to not drown in it. even if you think that you have learned to swim, there is always an undertow just waiting to catch you unawares and pull you under. it is something that Xue Yang knows, has always known since his first forays in the underground world of blood and steel and bones at the age of twelve. he keeps his head above water though with a grin on his face, is terrifyingly efficient at courting death like a lover, and perhaps for that reason alone, he makes it longer than most.

that is not to say that he is without his moments where there is water in his lungs and ice in his bones, moments of panic when the world he lives in seems to pull him under into the dark. days when a knife goes too deep, a bullet too close, but--

he hasn't drowned yet.

and by the time he is twenty-three, Xue Yang is known well enough in the circles in the underground that he doesn't have to work quite so hard to get the recognition (fear, usually it is fear) he feels he deserves. doesn't have to worry about being considered cannon fodder anymore. no, now Xue Yang is the knife in the dark, the shadow in the corner of the room when you are sure that you have checked it over twice. he is a free agent of sorts, not held down by any one family, any one house because they all learned their lesson the hard way. it gives him an illusion of freedom.

you're never really free, not in this world.

the other thing about violence that Xue Yang learns is that once you are in, whether you are pushed in too young or choose to jump in too late, you cannot get out. there is no ladder, no shallows, once you're in, you're in, no matter how much you might wish otherwise. and there are times when Xue Yang does wish otherwise, times when he sees fleeting glimpses of the land far off, grins without teeth and something that seems soft at the heart of it all, and he gets the urge to swim.

but he is in too deep for that.

fuck, after this disaster of an evening he wouldn't be surprised if the undertow finally catches him. calling it a disaster is actually generous of him, it goes beyond disaster at this point, and he is going to fucking murder the assholes that got those wires crossed. it is supposed to be a night off for him, just him having an enjoyable evening in a club with no worried about hits or feuds or assholes in suits that think they are better than everyone else.

supposed to be the key phrase.

what it turns into is an apparent botched kidnapping of some do-gooder distantly connected to the Lans and a bullet lodged firmly in Xue Yang's shoulder. (it hurts like a bitch and he knows that he is going to have a time getting that out later but now--) . Xue Yang has no stake in this fight, he is literally here on a whim (okay okay this bar has great margaritas don't look at him), but he finds himself pissed at the assholes that start it all just on the fact that it was his night off.

which is why he finds himself casually getting rid of the morons that are currently trying to shove one Xiao Xingchen into a hideous puke green car and tugging the man away from the chaos.

don't make a comment about how he stumbles, thank you.]

You're one fuckin' wanted man, aren't you there. Jesus, you owe me a margarita.